The Christmas That Santa Landed In The Vegetable Patch

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Christmas had never been so smashing, as the time when Santa got spud – bashing ! The Christmas that Santa landed in the vegetable patch, storm clouds thundered, lightening was clashing and the rain was splashing. Soon, even Santa’s spring onions underneath his Wellington boots needed trashing ! Santa’s eyesight has never been that good. Without spectacles, he cannot see further than the beginning of the wood. So hardly surprising, that one Christmas Santa landed in the mud.
Santa’s vegetable patch was found at the bottom of the garden. It stretched from the kitchen door, to the wall by the gate. It was where the elves grew everything they ate (and since there were hundreds of them – this was quite a rate !). There was so much gardening to do one year, that Christmas present unwrapping had to wait ! and dinner was late (in fact, some of the food jumped from the vegetable patch onto the plate !).
As usual, Frosty the Snowman was stood outside. He was falling fast asleep, when into the garden something began to glide … then collide ! It was Santa on his sleigh. Frosty watched then ducked as he realised the U – F – O was heading his way ! As he landed, Santa began to slip and slide … well he would wobble after a glide worldwide !
“Watch out for the chimney pot !”, Gerome the gnome cried (though even with a telescope, the TV aerial probably wouldn’t have been spied !). Santa looked how much more energy he’d got. “Oh rot !”, he exclaimed, as he realised not a lot. He couldn’t stop and hit the spot !
There was a scarecrow in Santa’s allotment, too, which scared off the crows as the wind blew. But the Christmas that Santa crashed, not only did the marrow get squashed, but any hopes of growing strawberries were quickly dashed, as the fence got bashed. In fact, Santa scared off more crows than the scarecorw had all year : by simply sneezing whenever one of the pests came near … whilst landing in fifth gear ! The scarecrow, these days, has a pumpkin for a head, from where it flew after Santa skidded in the flowerbed.
On Santa’s shovel, the robin red breast sat. When Santa landed in the vegetable patch, and around the telegraph pole circled a lap, he too got into a flap ! As Santa touched down, all the elves began to loudly clap. Into the air, peelings flew. CRASH ! BANG ! WALLOP ! (… and GADZOOKS, too !). As Santa hit the floor, peas burst out of their pods and a carrot hit the shed door. The French beans could no longer be seen, and all the bricks in the garden wall turned green. Instead of baubles, tomatoes hung on the branches of the grotto Christmas tree. There were radishes as far as the eye could see !
A turnip hit Rudolph the red nose reindeer on the head, who kicked it and scored a hat – trick in the wheelbarrow. Santa jumped up cheering – promptly scaring off another sparrow ! When he landed, he squashed another marrow. Santa skidded on a ripe banana … with a cabbage leaf on his head, he felt a right banana ! Santa somersaulted backwards, towards the pear tree. Now, they’d all have fruit juice for tea !
In the grotto kitchen, Mrs. Christmas heard a loud “SPLAT !”. She went to fetch her mop to scare away the cat. But shampoo and a towel would have perhaps been far wiser – since Santa arrived wearing so much fertiliser ! As he flew over the English Channel, Santa had telephoned to say that he’d soon be home and to get a couple of tablets ready for his painful gout ! They hadn’t expected to have to dig him out ! Wearing two onions for earrings, no wonder that Santa’s hearing was so poor. Thanks to his bad steering, a watering can he wore ! even Rudolph the reindeer smelt mor and more. His nose was even redder and even his tail was sore ! Really, a combine harvester is what Santa needed, a but a crash land was just as effective to plough the soul and make sure the vegetable patch got weeded !
After such an escapade, so there wouldn’t be quite so much messin’, the following year Santa booked a flying horticulture lesson ! Avoiding the bird bath, Santa planned a new flight path. Maybe if his navigation was better, his sweet peas would be left standing and of course, the compost heap made a far softer and safer landing ! So he knew which way to go in the snow, Santa lined up a hundred pumpkins in a row to grow. These guided Santa towards the North Pole … and made sure the vegetables in the garden remained whole. From then on, Santa decided, he’d leave the roll into the vegetable patch hole to the garden mole !
© Jacqueline Richards 2008
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