The Christmas That Gerome The Gnome Spent Hanging Around

All seriously Santa freaky folk know, that Christmas in Santaland is full of boxed up surprises, from which, when unravelled, happiness arises. This includes Mrs. Christmas’s bread bin and cake box (some say, better for storing mince tarts than old socks !). Her mince could have been used to plaster the ceiling – it stuck her apron to her skirt and made it much less revealling. Her pastry cases were like flying saucers, except they couldn’t fly usual UFO oughta. Gone were the days when her tarts crumbled and fell apart – with a lucky sixpence from the Christmas fairy’s purse, Christmas was sure to be yummy from the start. One particular Christmas when Santa really got stuck in, was the year when Mrs. Christmas decided to bake twice as many mince pies as usual … and everyone began to tuck in ! Gerome the gnome, however, could hardly wait for all the cookin’ ! He pinched one steaming on the table, just as the custard got creaming and was beginning to melt the ladle. Even without a scoop, the mince pie was so hot, Gerome looped – de – loop ! waking every single pigeon in the chicken coop ! (whether they were asleep or not !). Santa was only meant to be pinning the advent calendar on the wall, but he knocked the hammer so hard, that a hole appeared into the hall. Through the side of the kitchen fridge, he could see three rashers of bacon and a lump of lard. Gerome the gnome was holding the ladder secure – soon wondering what all the commotion was for. As the cement began to further crumble, from off the step ladders, Santa took a tumble. His eyesight was so poor, he wasn’t sure if he was hammering the war, the ceiling or the floor ! But Santa continued hammering regardlessly … making five holes, where there should have been three. After just one afternoon, Santa had clearly displaced a knife, fork and spoon. His favourite elf (quite a scholar), was found nailed to the bookshelf (by his collar !). No wonder studies were becoming rather tough – the elf spent two lessons trying to reach a book twice as big as himself ! Loosely – speaking, the busiest elves, had to be loosened themselves. So Mrs. Christmas came up with an idea – to use some of her cake mixture (saying it would last probably until next year !). With all the icing sugar Mrs. Christmas used, none of the light switches worked and two of the bulbs fused. Soon, Santa’s decorations were strung together like a kebab – as Gerome the Gnome moved sideways around the grotto looking like a crab ! Santa’s diary showed clearly how tied up they all were … but no – one expected to be tied up in cardboard, glue, wood, nails, paper and string ! As Gerome the gnome tried to get untrapped, the shelf flapped and Santa’s patience finally snapped. Gerome tottered next to the crockery … then smashed a piece of Mrs. Christmas’s pottery (he called for help from the elf fishing in the rockery). Gerome the gnome had always wanted to be on the best seat at the table – this year, getting up to do the washing up, was something he was unable. Santa thought they’d be better with cable ! Being nailed to the settee did have advantages (if you liked the film on channel three !). Because Christmas Eve was stuck to Boxing Day, there was even less time for Santa to get away – it was the quickest holiday ever spent (though the landlord didn’t expect any less rent !). © Jacqueline Richards 2009

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