The Hungry Bluebottle Who Ate A Whole Bottle Of *** Ketchup

There was once a bluebottle who ate whole bottle of *** ketchup. Flapping around since last Monday, had left the bluebottle so so hungry, that his wings were tired. His mouth watered for something before flying to bed he retired. He’d been to the butcher’s shop, but it was shut – and anyway, he didn’t like the look of the cut. The hungry bluebottle called at the Baker’s shop, too – but everything there was too sugary, he knew. He wanted to stop off for a bite to eat – but he was scared of sticking to a restaurant floor with his feet. Before the day was complete, he longed for a treat and a cool place from the heat. But at the fruit and vegetable shop there was nothing that looked like a treat. He took a seat and thought a bit … then he realised he liked the taste of it ! The hamburger bun that he bounced off was a real hit ! and the cucumber relish would keep him fit. In the Sun, the bluebottle sat lunching until he weighed a ton. It was no secret that the hungry bluebottle liked ketchup – he devoured lots of it – cup after cup. He savoured a little bit, at first, then took a bigger sup. Mmm. Perfect ketchup – just right, not too salty, thick or light. The only problem was that the lid was too tight. The top of a ketchup bottle, is quite a precarious place to belong, when you’re not so strong and in fact, only three centimetres long. Although the bluebottle tried to balance carefully, what he really needed to was to bunjee jump down (or buy a pulley because he feared in ketchup, he was about to drown !).

A kind lady came to help him somewhat – she also came to see what it was he liked the taste of such a lot ! (and promptly threw him into the cooking pot !). The waitress was rather grumpy – some of the dinners were cold and the gravy was lumpy ! Before the waitress could begin clearing up once more, the hungry bluebottle decided he’d better get stuck into another cup of ketchup some more ! He licked his lips, this cafe’s *** ketchup was great for dips … better still on *** chips ! He was so delighted, he performed a somersault and one or two back – flips. It wasn’t long before he was feeling again alright – ed ! The hungry bluebottle had only expected to snack on something – he didn’t expect to be swimming in the thing ! But anyway, *** ketchup had a real swing especially on a chicken wing ! With salt and vinegar – it was better than a fly – squatter fling. “Help ! I’m stuck like glue !” … cried the bluebottle (who didn’t know what to do). A *** cafe waitress came to help him out – the bluebottle asked if she’d mind pulling him out ! … then he flew away roundabout (narrowly missing the teapot spout !). “Ouch !”, the hungry bluebottle began to howl, as he crashed into the sugar bowl … a spoonful would have done, but he greedily gulped down the whole ! It wasn’t long before the hungry bluebottle came back, seeking even more *** ketchup by following the footprints he’d left before as a track.

There even were a number of different *** ketchup types to be flavoured – the hungry bluebottle only hoped, in one day they all could be savoured. For a hungry bluebottle, a whole bottle of *** ketchup is better than champagne … so he munched for five minutes – then started once again. Very soon, the hungry bluebottle’s eyes were bigger than his belly – hardly surprising since he’d spent the entire day crunching on jelly that he’d seen on the telly ! The hungry bluebottle didn’t mean to cause any upset, he just liked splashing about in mustard and getting his wings wet … and anyway, *** ketchup was the best ketchup he’d ever tasted yet, I bet ! (he only hoped that the cafe waitress would keep him as her pet !). Life as a hungry bluebottle comes and goes in highs and lows … at dinnertime, there’s a *** ketchup glow. To *** cafe is the place for *** ketchup to go ! You can also watch the ketchup sketch on TV … *** cafe is the best place to be !
© Jacqueline Richards 2008

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The Christmas When Santa Arrived Via Windows

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One Christmas, Santa had had enough of going through the chimney pot. Needless to say, he often didn’t hit the right spot – when he miseed the fireplace … he felt a real clot (and it was hot !). Anyway, he decided to give it his best shot. “What a lot of rot !”, he thought, “What other entrances has the house got ?”. Santa thought about the letterbox slot, then tried the door to see if would open, (it would not !). Rather than be thought of as a cat burglar thief, Santa decided he’d try parachuting in through Windows in a very large handkerchief. Santa tied up a long piece of rope – but it didn’t stretch all that well (there was little hope !). His enormous Wellington boots undid the knot, “Yippee !”, he cried as he slid down. Santa still managed to climb up for a word with the robin on the gutter – from there, he could see all over town ! His head was spinning and his heart was a – flutter.

But the unravelled thread soon had a hole, probably made from undropping a large piece of coal. “It’s getting rather cold”, Mrs. Christmas began to scold, as the truth of their Wintery adventures bean to unfold. Although Santa’s ladder didn’t quite reach, he still had a bucket and spade from his Summer holiday on the beach. He still had a thousand parcels to deliver (as well as give an end of party speech). Perhaps he should pretend to be a Window cleaner ? then he could deliver presents environmentally greener ! So Santa climbed up the drainpipe, to give the grotto windows a wipe (where there had become dirty from him smoking his pipe !). Whilst he was up there, he polished the brasses and gave the rooftop a clean swipe. He pinched an apple from the fruit bowl, but it wasn’t his favourite type.

Yippee ! YPE or IPE – circle the words you see with these two endings.

Santa put a flyer into every book he took – “Window cleaner has a vacancy spare”, written in bold, with splashes of colour everywhere. Before long, he was cleaning windows, here and there. He started in the North Pole and ended up in the South, moved along the streets in Dollarville then onto Spexmouth. When Mrs. Christmas last year, had bought Santa a bucket, she hardly expected that he’d have to muck it ! (or better still, unhook it to chuck it !). Santa had brought an old rag, (a tatty old bit of booty bag) – he hitch – hiked a lift from Rudolph, the stag and quickly got cleaning. By the end of the morning, he’d finished all the windows, his sleigh and his jag. All of a sudden, there was a loud crack, Santa accidentally gave the windowframe a WHACK !. It wouldn’t be long, of course, before he was back on track – giving out gifts from his knapsack. His red and whire suit elastic which was slack, came in handy, for bunjee jumping, to bounce him back. Going through windows should have been easy – but the dust from the computer made him a little wheezy ! … perhaps it would have been handy if more of the windows were greasy !

Word Wall
Make a wall for Santa to climb, using words that link, with matching first and last letters. The first peson to reach a chimney, wins Santa’s gift.
 
4 Windows Words – Word 4 Windows – Windows 4 Words

* Teacher’s note – explain that a lot of reading is about matching shapes and sounds. Draw four windows on the whiteboard, (square, round, triangle and rectangle), then assort the following adjectives into the right category. Which word would fit through which window ?

ball      tin of peas      slice of cheese      onion      CR ROM

book    saucer and cup           briefcase      hatbox

photograph frame         alarm clock         roof of a house

mountaintops       bottle of shampoo       cheque book    glass

reel of cotton     bucket       tomato       tent      gold coin

box of matches          Christmas gift          crackers

Think of the A to Z alphabet. Which shapes can be seen in each letter. Imagine there is a snake (the letter S) travelling between windows. Draw the snake crawling along part of each letter.

What a Lot of Chimney Pots !

AT or OT – think of as many words as you can that include these two endings.

© Jacqueline Richards 2008

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The Christmas When Santa Lost A Piece of the Jigsaw Puzzle

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One Christmas, Santa got a jigsaw as a gift, though it wasn’t long before he lost some of it in a snowdrift ! The Christmas when Santa lost a piece of the jigsaw, was the happiest Christmas anyone ever saw … most of it looking for lost jigsaw pieces, crawling around on the floor ! Although he tried as hard as he could to lift it, a piece fell down the side of the settee and he simply couldn’t shift it.

To count them, Santa lined up what pieces he had on the windowsill – the last that I heard, he’s looking still. One went missing whilst Santa was out wishing. – no – one had to keep guessing where he;d gone – of course, he’d gone fishing ! Santa waved as he saw his mate’s kid – he tripped on the garden path then suddenly skid. A Wellington boot hit the Christmas tree and all the gifts beneath hid …

Most of the pieces headed towards the tea. Into the pot, dropped a lot. Over the plate, a jigsaw piece skate – Santa went off looking so long, dinner had to wait and the tea had gone strong, before long. A piece of jigsaw landed on Santa’s rug, another in Mrs. Christmas’s cream jug. When Santa went to chomp a bite – a piece flew past just like a kite. A photograph of a chicken sandwich wasn’t enough to fill his enormous appetite ! and soon, the whole room was covered in jigsaw stuff ! But Mrs. Christmas still had some crackers, which tasted alright. The Christmas when Santa lost a piece of the jigsaw puzzle, Christmas started to immeadiately fizzle … as another piece landed in the snow and drizzle.

Bits and pieces flew through the air, as Santa threw pieces everywhere. There was a picture of a chip underneath the table and a chip off the table underneath the picture. To the rug, another lost jigsaw puzzle made a very nice fixture. Santa sat for at least an hour, still trying to piece together all the petals of the jigsaw’s flower. He wanted make the pieces all fit right … but another piece flew off in flight. No wonder, Santa looked incredibly puzzled – some of the picture was hidden by crumbs from the mince pie that he’d just guzzled. One puzzle piece hit the cat on the head … Santa found another in the flowerbed (should’ve been a blue one, but he saw red !). Rudolph the red nose reindeer squashed one piece as around the corner he sped. By now, in Santa’s Christmas pudding, thre wasn’t a full shilling … he would have much rather have been baking mince pies – but there wasn’t nearly enough filling ! No wonder Christmas got mixed up – it took an hour to find the lost puzzle, to get the jigsaw properly fixed up.

© Jacqueline Richards 2008

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Santa’s Magic Crystal Ball Christmas & The Gypsy Rose Spell

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Gerome the gnome, the elfish thief, was getting upto his usual selfish mischief, one Christmas Day, when with the grotto’s magic crystal ball, he started to play. He had picked up the magic crystal ball, for under a pound at the church fete jumble stall (although he almost didn’t make it all). Now home, Gerome the gnome, kept the crystal ball on the mantelpiece, where the Sun sparkled on the dome. When he kicked the crystal ball, it rolled away … it landed up on the other side of Boxing Day. Seeing into the future, was a very useful trick to know. It was fortunate to know which way to duck and go ! (especially when down chimney pots, Santa appeared from the snow). Gerome the gnome was only trying to see the future, and what Mrs. Christmas was going to cook for tea – he hadn’t at all expected to soon be practising his wizardry ! When he brought down the crystal ball from the fireplace shelf, it was only because he was looking forward to Christmas greatly, himself. The chair wobbled beneath his feet … he reached out and glanced to see if the gift – wrapping was complete … then singed his beard in the fire’s heat ! There were hundreds of presents beneath the Christmas tree – Gerome the gnome wanted to try the crystal ball to prepare for the holidays more clearly. Question number one was this – what presents would be whizz and who underneath the mistletoe was he going to kiss ? Although he was rather short – sighted, when, in the crystal ball, Gerome the gnome saw a mirror image of a new bicycle, he was, of course, delighted ! A simple “Abracadabra – Christmas – Candleabra” was all that it took … and a magic spell started to cook faster than a recipe in one of Mrs. Christmas’s “Good Luck Looks” cookery books. “Gadzooks !”, cried Christy, “Crystal Christmas spooks !”. When Gerome the gnome threw the crystal ball into the air, magic moondust sprinkled everywhere !
Before long, throughout the grotto, a number of magic disappearances had occurred (including rather a lot of sherry trifle and three crackers with lemon curd !). “Where have my mince pies gone ?!”, Mrs. Christmas cried, (though no – one heard) … she never spent much time at school, though she tried, so she didn’t understand a single word. The double cream was now just a dream – Gerome the gnome checked the whereabout in the crystal ball, but it was covered in sticky ice – cream ! Gerome the gnome sped off down the hall but Mrs. Christmas knew he was the guilty culprit, because she spooted him in the crystal ball. Nor was it at all a surprise, when making the beds, the next day, she ended up mince – pied upto her eyes ! As Mrs. Christmas vacuum cleaned across the floor, a trail of crumbs led to Gerome’s door. Of course, Robin Redbreast didn’t see the joke – there were no breadcrumbs left, when he awoke ! Christy the Christmas fairy came to rescue the day – and used the crystal ball to make sure everything was O.K. She thought hard and magicked Mrs. Christmas a packet of lard, then she made sure the broom swept from upstairs downstairs to the backyard.
All well and dandy – a crystal ball at Christmas time came in very handy ! The problem was, there was still tiswas ‘cos Christy the Christmas fairy came from the South coast, so the spells that she cast were more foreign than most. The words of her spells often got rather mixed up – and it took a number of attempts to get properly fixed up ! A sprinkle of moondust and a touch of oil, Christy hoped that the recipe wouldn’t spoil. So the pot wouldn’t over – boil, Christy span around and waved her magic wand, in a spinning coil. Eventually, she did end up with a delicious cake for her afternoon toil.
Although, at first, she didn’t get the spell at all right, it tasted just right (a little bit salty, but fine for Christmas party night). To make sure it was “purr” – fect, she gave the mixture a stir, tasted it on her finger and gave a bit to the cat (it landed on it’s fur !). Hardly surprising, he didn’t want much more ! To get them out of debt, Christy tried to tell the whole world about her food for the pet, using the crystal ball in a game of Russian roulette. Guess we all should have seen it coming, I bet, that it wouldn’t be easy … I hear she still hasn’t finished the spell, yet ! Christy’s “telling – spelling” spell was even reported in the Santaland gazette. Three magic words were all that were needed – “Abracadabra – Christmas – Candleabra !” to ensure the spell succeeded. Finally, a spidery world wide cobweb from the garden made sure that the flowerbeds got weeded !.
Also, Christy the Christmas fairy had never tried this particular trick before, so when she juggled the crystal ball, it only rolled over the floor and hit the door ! Despite going to catch it, Christy couldn’t match it – she tore her tiara and had to patch it ! There was only one thing for it … Christy the Christmas fairy went to ensure it and soon everyone in the grotto began to adore it. Of course, it was the crystal ball that had the answer (who knows ? a little bit of it’s magic might even make Santa a better dancer !). Christmas had never been so much fun as when everyone in the grotto, on a crystal ball got spun. Stars shot through the air, bubbles burst everywhere !In the crystal glass, Christy the Christmas fairy saw the postman pass (with hundreds of letters also doing a disappearing act fast. “Arrgghh !”, everyone agreed, the postman’s arrival was truly “Great ! at last !” (hardly expecting what unruly fate was about to enter the kitchen chaos, en masse !). As he entered through the door, there was an icy blast, in the crystal ball, snowflakes fluttered – everyone was aghast !

Waving hello to the postman, as along the garden path, Christy the Christmas fairy tripped incidentally, she bumped into Santa accidentally. As she skipped, the crystal ball from her pocket slipped (only because it was magic, it didn’t get dusty or chipped !). In order to ensure that Christmas started exceeding well, Christy – Crystal decided to make a “Succeeding” spell. Rather than that mess, the festivities became quickly much more of a success and there was, everywhere, much more wand – waved happiness ! The crystal ball rolled down the path, narrowly missing knocking off the robin from the brid bath. “Shazam ! Goddam !”, Christy muttered, as one or two of his feathers, onto the lawn fluttered. In the kitchen a little of the champagne got spluttered ! At first, the postman thought he was seeing things, Christmas in crystal all kind of rings. So, not having had a drink for a while, left the grotto after a glass of sherry, with rather a wide smile ! … (and promptly fell over after about a half a mile !). In the crystal ball, Christy the Christmas fairy could also see, a hundred or so baubles hanging on the Christmas tree and about only 2 left – over chocolate biscuits, that she imagined with E.S.P. would be for tea !

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The Spelling Spell – Getting Writing Right Alright !

Think of something to do with Christmas and then design a spell, complete with a set of instructions to make the construction work. You may work in groups, but each individual ought to create something unique. Example – a recipe for mince pies, spell instructions to get the dolls in the doll’s house to come alive.

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All The “Alls”

In this story, how many all are there in all ?

© Jacqueline Richards 2008

 

 

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The Lost Button On Santa’s Coat

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No – one knew what made Santa’s button drop off … perhaps the cotton thread it was tied on with wasn’t long enough. But, after a morning being worn by Santa, the coat was worn, sure enough ! Perhaps the button wasn’t fastened tightly – but Santa’s pyjamas always fell down nightly ! (though, he never meant to appear unsightly). Where it rolled, is still untold, try and guess at the end as this story begins to unfold … You may have an idea from the following reindeer … Fill in the gaps with the correct words – which rhyme, you should hear …

dropped …… put on ….. fishing …… shopped ….. stopped ….. ribbon ….. shirt ….. mistletoe ….. sold ….. washing line ….. glue

If the reindeer found a silver sixpence in Santa’s hat – then you may have the idea, that it might have been __ __ __ __ , as Santa was told.

If the reindeer was outside the grotto gate, off the button suddenly POPPED ! you may guess that it popped when Santa’s sleigh __ __ __ __ __ __ .

If the reindeer couldn’t see exactly where it __ __ __ __ __ __ – but off everyone went : on the hunt of a matching one as they shopped.

If the reindeer looked and saw Santa’s coat was one button down – he tried to tie it with a __ __ __ __ __ __ , as he’d been shown.

With nothing to __ __ __ __ __ – he really needed a button.

If the reindeer saw something dropped on Santa’s toe and hurt “Ouch !”, he cried, when he looked down at his __ __ __ __ __ – another was gone !

A bit of __ __ __ __ __ __ __ was all Santa was wishing … not to spend all the holidays looking for a button that had gone missing !

Underneath the __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ , he’d heard there was some luck to be had whilst kissing … he really did try hard to wish (but he got a swish dismissing !).

Next, Santa tried __ __ __ __ – but it was so sticky, that he stuck to it, too !

His coat still flapped open – wide, so h trid to keep it together with a __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ that he spied on a sleigh ride.

© Jacqueline Richards 2008

2. If all 4 buttons on Santa’s coat weighed 40 grams in total, how much did one weigh ?
3. The button measured 4 cm across the middle. Work out the circumference, radius and area of the button.

4. If Santa’s coat measured 48 cm long – how far apart were each of the four buttons ?

5. Santa left the house at 8 . 00 a.m. He walked 1200 metres in half an hour to the bus – stop. One third of the way along on his journey, when and where did he lose his button ?

6. When Santa lost his button off his coat, it took 45 minutes to find – three quarters of the time of Santa’s lunch break. How long did Santa have for lunch ?

7. If all of the four buttons on Santa’s coat were lined up next to oen another, how far would they stretch ?

8. Santa bought the coat for £5. To replace the button cost 25 pence. Expess this as a ratio, fraction, percentage and decimal of the original price.

9. Santa’s button, when it fell off his coat, rolled 500 metres along the pavement – one fifth of the length of the street. How long was street ? Give your answer in metres and kilometres.

10. It took Santa ten minutes to stitch the button back on – one twelth of the time it took to cook tea – how long did he cook for ?

11. It took 110 stitches to mend the coat – 10 % of them, Santa pricked his finger. How many is that ?

 
© Jacqueline Richards 2008
 

 

Answers :1. a) 5 b) 4 c) 12 ; t = 5 + (5 -1) + 3(5 – 1) t = 5 + 4 + 12 = 21
2. 10 g
3.

4. 48 / 4 = 12 cm

5. a) 1200 + (1200 / 3 = 400) = 1600 ; b) 8.00 + (30 / 3 = 10) = 8.10 a.m.

6. 1 hour

7. 4 x 4 = 16 cm

8. 1 : 19 ; one 20th ; 5 % ; 0.02

9. 500 x 5 = 2500 m = 2.5 km

10. two hours

11. 11

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Aladdin Santa And The Christmas That Santa Arrived On A Magic Rug

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Santa’s sleigh was broken down, as he headed back, he heard something “CRACK !”, somewhere on the other side of town. It was a route that was regularly flown, but in the darkness, Santa couldn’t see, so he polished the sleigh headlamps vigorously. Although it seemed like he was polishing a stone, still Santa’s map of the world couldn’t be shown, as across the Moon, clouds were blown. The sleigh was full of mud – the lights didn’t shine as brightly as they should. Although Santa scrubbed as hard as he could, he still couldn’t see light at the end of the wood. An owl hooted (a frightening sound), as the wind howled all around. All Santa could see were dead leaves on the ground, he found, so he brought a mop and bucket around.
 
The journey so far had been rather tough. There were many bends and the track was rough. The headlamps on Santa’s sleigh soon got broken on the way (now he’d never reach the South Pole by Saturday !). It took all morning to find a parking spot to stay ! Without so much as a spark, Santa was left in the dark. He did have a torch, which he fetched from out of his boot, but it didn’t work. Although Santa turned the engine OFF and ON, nothing happened – the fuse must have gone. Santa still had a thousand presents to deliver (so far, he’d managed none – to post a parcel cost five pounds just for one !). Without any lights working, Santa really was a hopeless sleigh – driver (nor would the engine work without a screw – driver). He wasn’t sure how long the rest of the journey would take and he didn’t have enough time to wait until Daybreak.
 
Looking for the right switch, Santa leaned over and accidentally fell into a ditch ! By now his beard had started to twitch and his whiskers began to itch ! Soon, he was dusty and flea – ridden and the light of the headlamps remained hidden. He was sure that he’d brought the right key for the sleigh, even if he wasn’t sure which and got lost on the way ! (when the Sunset stopped, the light dropped, so he couldn’t see anyway !). Inside the sleigh engine something popped, there was a hiss and the light flopped, as Santa sped around the roundabout. First a fuse burst, then, even worse, that’s when the electricity fizzled out. BANG ! (something rang). Santa polished hard … then even harder still, until something suddenly flashed on the larder windowsill. Santa realised immeadiately, that it must have Gerome the Gnome in the kitchen, as he got home and sang. Pans clattered, a glass shattered – for Gerome, to get to bed was all that mattered. “Sssshh ! Keep the noise down”, Mrs. Christmas cried in the background, as she and the Christmas Fairy also chattily nattered. A screw fell loose and a splash of oil splattered on the goose. There was bedlam all about (in and out all of the house) ! Although Gerome the gnome tried to keep quiet, he was unable – hardly surprising, as he tripped over the television cable ! He picked himself up and dusted himself off. As if that wasn’t enough, in a cloud of smoke, the gnome started to cough. Luckily, neither Santa nor his gnome were hurt, but there was now even more dirt !
First, with a feather duster, which then flew off in a robin redbreast fluster, then with a rag, Santa polished the sleigh headlamps – he hoped it would soon look like a jag ! But there was not even the slightest of rays … Santa had had much brighter days. Suddenly, in a puff of a magician’s magic trick, Santa’s troubles disappeared, when quite by magic, a genie disappeared.Santa had polished so much that he’d released a ghost – the Fairy of Christmas Past (who’d been asleep longer than most !). Just like Aladdin, (except with a wand), the dinner party prepared by Mrs. Christmas could now begin and Wow ! it was sure to taste grand. No more left over crumbs in a car park, no more up with the skylark ! no more fireworks after dark ! but tasty mince pastry instead … Before long, even the kitchen mouse was covered in icing sugar from the tip of his tail, to his head.
Because the sleigh was magic, it’s ghost could grant Santa a wish – of course, all Santa wanted was to be home, as soon as possible or was it really imp – ossible ? In three magic words – “Abracadabra – Christmas – Candleabra !”, then, WHOOSH ! SWISH ! En route, as around the universe, stars started to shoot, Santa decided to perform a trick of two as they flew (though everyone knew, it was really the direction that the chilly North wind blew !). By now, the sleigh was rather an untidy mess, mainly becasue at cleaning, Santa was hopeless. Santa did try to picnic with etiquette, but had never managed it, yet ! From the pocket of Santa’s red and white jacket, fell a very noisy crisp packet. Each time Santa munched, crumbs flew everywhere as he crunched. By two, Santa fancied a snack, so snapped a cracker into two – breadcrumb snow scattered all over the world, from above above, where they flew ! If the wind blew wrongly, an empty bottle of fizzy pop rattled strongly ! Before they’d finished their roam and reached home, Santa decided to give the sleigh a quick squirt of shaving foam ! and shook the rug at Gerome the Gnome ! When Santa vacuumed in the sky, he waved the hoover a thousand miles high – on every one of the planets in the Solar System, they Spring cleaned, then waved goodbye. To sweep away moondust and meteorites, the pair flew around great heights, before navigating home via the Northern lights. No wonder the whole world appeared sparklish – everyone of the moondust snowflakes contained a secret magic wish.
The sleigh rug that Santa shook also became magic, too. When the sleigh broke down, the magic carpet flew and flew. Santa tried to steer – 3,000 miles into the air, he did a loop – de – loop from here to there, then everywhere ! From above the clouds, there was a panoramic view of Santaland as he flew, though the flight path hadn’t been planned, Santa could see the North as well as the South Pole, too ! But the place that Santa loved most on the Earth, was his grotto home, where all the elves awaited, full of bubble and mirth. It took all his might and he had to cling onto the tassles ever so tight – but Santa circled the chimney crying “Goodnight !”. He narrowly missed the chimney pot (and he hadn’t even had to put a penny into the slot !) … but thanks to Christmas razzmatazz, his headlamps illuminated the way, rather a lot.
After Santa tried it, Mrs. Christmas washed and dried it … the Robin dyed it and the mouse spied it, until finally, the grotto pussy cat tried to hide it. The rug was placed in front of the fire, over the hole in the floorboard and the video wire. Of course, as cats often do, Santa’s moggy rolled over it and fell off it, too ! But since the magic rug could fly, the cat’s sleep was not that deep : every now and then, he took great leaps ! The Aladdin lamps decorate the porch and come in very handy, when Gerome needs to get to the garden shed, as a torch. Now, whenever Santa stumbles home drunk, he lands on a comfortable mat never falls over the cat, though he tumbles with a CLUNK !
© Jacqueline Richards 2008

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The Year That Santa’s Christmas Present Was A New *** Mobile Telephone

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When Christy the Christmas fairy reached out her hand to wave to the people below, Santa thought that she was signalling right – he turned the steering wheel and flashed the indicator light. WOW ! What a flight ! The Christmas that Santa’s gift was a *** moble telephone had real uplift – and bells rang out all night ! Christy the Christmas fairy arrived home in style, the fastest she’d ever travelled a mile in between the most presents that she’d ever seen for a while ! (they’d dropped off a thousand presents after a short while !). Santa’s control tower, for his yearly sleigh ride, was situated on the chimney pot. The television aerial picked up the signals of their arrival – rather like Evil Knievel ! Christy the Christmas fairy quickly wrote Santa’s telephone number on file and decided, tomorrow, to give him a dial.
“Give me a ring !”, Christy the Christmas fairy said to Santa at the ball expecting diamond and probably sapphire encrusted jewellery ! But a ring on a new *** mobile telephone from Santa, was just as lovely. Then Brrrring ! Brrrring ! Brrrring ! As Santa dialled the number … awaking everyone asleep in the grotto from their slumber, the minute that Santa got home. Santa was of course, most disappointed to hear, the person who answered the telephone was Gerome the Gnome (sounded like he’d had that cold since last year !). So grateful was Christy the Christmas fairy for the ride that she granted Santa three special requests (so long as he didn’t tell the robin red breasts).

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f course, Santa’s greatest wish was for a Mrs. Christmas mince pie with a heap of cheap custard in a dish … a *** mobile telephone *** (e.g. adapter) was Santa’s second wish ! What made Santa’s Christmas utterly complete, was a telephone directory, which appeared when he stamped his feet. In a puff of smoke, the fireside cat awoke (no wonder he went pale – Santa narrowly missed with his boot, the cat’s furry tail !). Eventually, however, he purred back to sleep, thinking of something equally tasty, a heavenly dream in crusty pastry (except with cream !). What a furry fuss broke out between the cat and the mouse … with the mouse being chased by the puss all around the house ! Can you guess what it was, that caused such an enormous Christmas tiswas ? The robin red breast had never had so much fun as when, with ringback, his nest wobbled and took off into the Sun ! Mrs. Christmas tired hard not to scoff when he chirped a dial tone as she handed him a tasty, homemade, cherry scone and the crumbs from a berry bun ! (the robin’s favourite of any one). When he flapped his wings, it was an incredible flight path … all the way from the hall in the grotto, to the bird bath ! The following day, as soon as Santa’s batteries were re – charged, Santa made sure his Christmas wishes were enlarged. His dreams truly came true (when Mrs. Christmas’s largest ever mince pie became two !). Santa’s friend Eskimo Mo was the next person that Santa wanted to call from out in the snow. He told him what time he’d be getting in, (just in case he thought it was a cat burglar, getting in the hall !), so Christmas dinner could begin, and they chatted about events at the ball. As soon as Santa got a quiet minute alone, he started pressing all the buttons on his new *** mobile telephone ! but instead of getting fixed up, the *** mobile telephone became rather mixed up ! When Santa rang the neighbours, next door, he accidentally telephoned nine instead of four. As Frosty the Snowman fell about in sniggers, Santa got even more confused with his figures ! By the time he’ finally got all his threes and twos in the correct order, Gerome the gnome had fallen asleep in the flower border. Before he knew it, Santa had telephoned everyone in the neighbourhood – well, I suppose they didn’t come round as often as they should ! Santa informed all the elves to tell them that from now on he’d be sending *** text messages rather than Christmas cards – “Well, how about that ?!” (the first message he wrote was “Watch out for the hungry cat !).
Although Santa wasn’t sure what time it was, on the other side of the world, he decided first to call Aunty Flo in Jamaica – though he didn’t want to wake her. Of course, Santa telephoned the number wrong … and soon in the grotto, all the phones were ringing loud and strong ! Santa threw his new phone into the air – casting special wishes everywhere ! Being magic, that did the trick ! “Ho ! Ho ! Ho !”, Santa cried as he checked the pics that he’d saved on his new *** mobile telephone … now Christmas would never go !
Santa’s Telephone Book
Write ten six figure numbers (like telephone numbers) and
ask pupils to devise a way to create a sum that equals this in a mathematical equation of their choosing. Example –
822028 = 822, 000 + 28
 2008ile telephone product name          

 

Answer – Mrs. Christmas’s mince pies

 

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